Messianic Judaism Quest

I saw a movie a few weeks ago in which one of the major characters was confronted with a difficult choice. An elderly man presented him with a stark reality: the choice of a meaningful life or that of a happy one.

Now its clear that for many people these are not exclusive categories. There are many people I have known for whom life seems to work out perfectly. Career choices, marriage, children, and indeed religious beliefs and lifestyle are well ordered to the point that it seems as if they were simply following the connect-the-dot drawings we encountered as children.

For others, and it seems myself, this is anything but true. The simple reality is that “parnasa” or livelihood and meaningful relationships seem to be out of reach. Yet in spite of the challenges and despair that often arises because of these two areas, the real point of internal tension is the point of religion (i.e. Judaism).

The simple fact is that as much as I desire to “fit in” in the established Messianic Jewish movement, I find myself more disconnected and increasingly disappointed with it. The more I study and the more formal and higher academic studies I pursue, I experience mixed feelings. I have never considered myself proud or haughty (to use a somewhat archaic term), but I am increasingly bewildered by the depth of respect and awe extended to what I feel are self-appointed leaders and self proclaimed scholars.

They have little training and even those who have achieved high levels of study are the products of seminaries and schools which reflect little in common with historic Judaism.

I feel that the more I learn at this academic level, I realize how little I know and how much we are faced by problems which seem to be largely ignored by the majority of those in Messianic Judaism. I feel that I am perhaps the only one to blame having perhaps as some have accused traded simple faith for a deeper, yet troubling path. But how I can quench the thirst I have to know G-d through history, texts, and through the mesorah without which we could not even read the biblical text? How can I not desire to know G-d through the fullest depths of His Creation?

Others will say that I may struggle because I have focused my attention on mental exercises rather than on the spiritual. I have asked this question myself. Is what I seek simply a mental exercise? Is as Maimonides suggests, the challenge to achieve perfect contemplation of the Divine, the end purpose? This can easily create a notion of G-d that one cannot pray to.

Yet I do not think so, because to ignore the “challenges” that are presented in the biblical text, the history of Israel, the theological challenges presented by the Holocaust, by Christian Supercessionism, by  archeological and textual discrepancies or challenges in the Bible, as well as the wisdom of the Sages, the victories and hopes of Israel, and the very reality that a messianic dawn might give birth to is not a simple mental exercise.

It is a reflection of the soul’s tension to live in the midst of physical and spiritual and moral challenges. It is the challenge of faith in the Divine; something unseen and yet inescapable. Something troubling and yet uplifting.

I fear I may never experience happiness…I pray that I find meaning.

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